


Elf (or It's a Wonderful Elf Life)

by Siria



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Alternate Universe, Community: cliche_bingo, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-06-28
Updated: 2009-06-28
Packaged: 2017-10-03 19:08:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Siria/pseuds/Siria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mer the Grumpy Elf was undoubtedly the grumpiest elf in all of Christmas Town.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Elf (or It's a Wonderful Elf Life)

**Author's Note:**

> So I was very saddened that dogeared didn't get elves in her cliche_bingo card, which means that somehow... I ended up writing it. I don't know, either; Jenn is a minx like that. Written for the 'free space' prompt on my card

Mer the Grumpy Elf was undoubtedly the grumpiest elf in all of Christmas Town. There was no denying that he looked like a proper elf, from the tips of his pointy ears to the toes of his pointy shoes—he always wore the regulation tunic (in blue) and tights (in red) and made sure his belled cap was perched at the required angle on top of his blond curls. But as his sister Jeannie was tired of pointing out, he just didn't _act_ like a proper elf. The other elves sang carols while they worked, or shared group hugs, or discussed last night's episode of _All My Elf Family_, but Mer refused to sing, or give group hugs, or watch elvish cable, or even work alongside the others in the big communal toy laboratories.

"Bah, humbug," Mer said, while he toiled alone in his own private workshop on his plans for next Christmas' newest technological toy sensation.

Mer, as I am sure you have all guessed by now, was really a Grumpy Elf because he was lonely and misunderstood by the other elves. But what do you know: one day, Mer got a new neighbour! An elf he'd never met before moved into the neighbouring toadstool one day. Mer absolutely did not spy on him, but did peer out of his window to watch as this new elf moved in his belongings (he had many sets of skis, Mer saw, and a poster of Johnny Cash and a set of unusually sparkly curtains).

This new neighbour elf's name was John, and he was a test elf. It was his job to test-fly the new toy plane that Mer had built (or, rather, that he'd _laboured_ over so that those human hacks in the toy companies could claim it as their invention; he got no respect). Mer didn't like him, not one little bit, because John was all laconic and _cool_ and worked for those stupid bureaucrat elves who were always nay-saying Mer's best ideas (give him one good reason why he _couldn't_ use low-grade explosives in his toys, is all he was saying!).

Even more than that, he messed around in Mer's workshop—he moved things off their proper shelves and asked too many questions first thing in the morning and his hair was even stupider than his _face_—and sometimes when Mer got extra grumpy like that, John would go very silent and leave. And those times, Mer found that the quiet in his workshop was even louder than the noise John made.

John's presence always seemed to be defying the laws of elvish physics like that.

But then! The big day came for the testing of Mer's new plane, which was wheeled out of his workshop to great fanfare (okay, okay, Mer pushed it out of his workshop while blowing on a kazoo). It was painted blue and silver, and on the side, Mer had inscribed _Puddlejumper_ as a surprise to John. (It was still a stupid name, but John really had pouted an awful lot when Mer had poo-pooed his suggestions.)

John turned up in his test elf gear, looking just like one of the great explorer elves of old: his crash cap was crammed down over his poky hair, its single bell jingling; there was a white silk scarf wound round his neck and his battered leather aviator jacket looked like it would be soft to the touch. He grinned at Mer as he hopped up into the cockpit—and for some reason, that same old lopsided John-grin did something odd this time! Mer's grumpy wee elf heart melted, and turned over in his chest, and the sensation was so strange and so pleasant and so new that Mer just couldn't stop himself: he reached up and grabbed John by his pointy wee ears and kissed him on the mouth, quite firmly.

When he pulled away, John stared at him for a moment, quite slack-jawed with astonishment, and Mer could feel his cheeks blush so hot that he was probably single-handedly responsible for a substantial increase in the rate of melt of a nearby glacier. "Oh, for the love of Saint Nick," Mer blustered, "Just... go fly the plane. It's—I built her for you."

Now John, contrary to what Mer thought, was actually much smarter than your average elf, and after a moment or two, his brain caught up with his heart—or maybe it was vice versa—and he said "Oh," and he smirked, because he got it. "I like you too, Mer," he said, and kissed Mer on his still-warm cheek.

So eventually, John and Mer joined their two wee toadstools into one, and got a pet husky dog, and were saddled with babysitting Maddy the Baby Elf whenever Jeannie and Kaleb felt like a break. They bickered about whose turn it was to clean the dishes, and collaborated together on toys so cool and noisy and explosive—and that never, ever had the batteries included—that they were responsible for driving half the Earth's parents to distraction.

And when, finally, after a significant period of civil unrest and a couple of strongly-worded petitions as drafted by Teyla the Lawyer Elf, Santa bought a clue and they were able to be joined in gay elfish matrimony, Mer officially changed his name to Mer the Occasionally-Ticked-Off-If-Not-Enough-Blowjobs-Are-Forthcoming Elf.

("It's not like I'm being _unreasonable_ or anything!" Mer explained to John while he filled in the last of the official name change forms. "I'm just one of those elves that needs a certain level of, well, _you know_, if I'm to reach my full potential as an inventor."

"Uh huh," John said blandly, and then tackled Mer to the floor, and timed him to see how quickly he could get Mer to say 'bah, humbug.')


End file.
